STANDARD LICENSE AGREEMENT
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STANDARD LICENSE AGREEMENT - By clicking on the preceding link, you (hereafter referred to as "you") agree to the following terms and conditions arbitrarily imposed by me (hereafter occasionally referred to as "the exalted one"). This agreement is deemed effective at the instant one or more photons of the preceding message make contact with any nerve endings connected to your brain. This agreement is not altered or impaired by poor operation of your brain as a result of altered or impaired nerve endings. The following terms and conditions are now in effect:
I. CONTENT AND TERM OF LICENSED MATERIALS
This agreement grants the exalted one an initial ten (10) year license to your home, car, computer, iPod, financial records, medical records, friends, family, pets, and/or other unspecified property that may prove useful (or valuable) during the course of normal raping and pillaging. At the end of the initial 10 year grant period, should there be any residual value in any of the afore mentioned assets, you agree to an automatic renewal of this license. In exchange for a single cash payment of $2.3M (US) dollars, the term of this agreement will be shortened to seven (7) years.
II. ACCESS TO LICENSED MATERIALS
For the full term of this license, you will provide unfettered access to all of the items/assets identified under the terms of this agreement. Specifically, you will facilitate the identification, use, and/or liquidation of all items/assets. Should the exalted one require it, you will provide imported beer, organic chips, and fresh guacamole during periods of asset delivery.
III. FEES
Should it become cumbersome or tedious for the exalted one to dispose of, abuse, or otherwise exploit your assets, a periodic fee will be charged to cover the cost of administering this agreement. These fees may exceed the value of your assets.
IV. AUTHORIZED USE OF LICENSED MATERIALS
"Authorized Users" are: Full and part time friends, family, creditors, and/or associates of the exalted one. Authorized users are granted access to all materials licensed under this agreement for as long as the exalted one holds them in his thrall. Should the exalted one sever relations with any authorized users, you are required to immediately restrict their access to the afore mentioned assets, including all beer, chips, and guacamole.
V. SPECIFIC RESTRICTIONS ON USE OF LICENSED MATERIALS
Except as specifically provided elsewhere in this agreement, Licensee shall not knowingly permit anyone other than Authorized Users access to the Licensed Materials. As of the instantiation of this agreement, "you" are no longer an Authorized User.
VI. WARRANTIES
Through this agreement, you warrant that all Licensed Materials will perform according to the unrelentingly biased expectations of the exalted one. Should your home, car, computer, iPod, financial records, medical records, friends, family, pets, and/or other unspecified property fail to perform adequately, you will replace them with newer, more pleasing versions. NOTE: while you warrant the suitability of all licensed items for fulfilling the needs of the exalted one, all warrants issued by legal entities subrogate directly to you, the licensor.
VII. GOVERNING LAW
This agreement does not restrict the application of federal and state laws construed as applying to you, the licensor. All actions taken by the exalted one will be construed as having been done on your behalf. You shall bear the full burden of any alleged crimes committed by the exalted one on your behalf. You shall respond to all legal inquiries with phrases such as "I take full responsibility", "I asked him to do that for me", and "He couldn't possibly have known".
VIII. DISPUTE RESOLUTION
None.
IX. FORCE MAJEURE
You bear full responsibility for failing to provide Licensed Materials in a timely manner. In the event of conditions beyond your control including, but not limited to Acts of God, Government restrictions, wars, insurrections and/or any other cause beyond your reasonable control, you will immediately provide beer, chips, and guacamole to all Authorized Users until normal subservient behavior can be resumed.
X. ENTIRE AGREEMEMT
This Agreement constitutes the entire agreement of the parties and supersedes all prior communications, understandings and agreements relating to the subject matter hereof, whether oral, anal, or written.
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